


The Anti-Valentine's Club

by Yyydelilah



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Anti-Valentines, Crack, Drinking, Gen, German National Team, M/M, Randomness, Swearing, Third Wheels, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-23 07:48:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9646928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yyydelilah/pseuds/Yyydelilah
Summary: What happens to all the non-shipped players on the NT? How do they cope being surrounded by loved-up idiots for teammates?(Grumbling and drinking, of course!)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know what this is...
> 
> Ok, so the international break is not until the end of March but, as it's ALL complete nonsense, if you’re looking for accuracy then you’re in the wrong place I’m afraid! 
> 
> (Also by non-shipped I really mean lesser-shipped. All the implied ships are the massive oil-tanker-like ones.)

_“Love is in the air,_

_Everywhere I look around”_

 

All day there had been something different about the atmosphere at the training camp. At first it was difficult to identify precisely what was strange. There was nothing out of the ordinary about the national team’s routines, but for some reason a number of the squad, including most of the senior players, appeared to be rather distracted.

Instead of the usual level of focus and discipline expected from top-level professional athletes, there was an awful lot of whispering and giggling going on. The pairings assigned for the warm-ups were swapped around the moment Jogi Löw turned his back, and, again, it was mainly the senior squad members that instigated this. Several of the junior players looked vaguely horrified at first, and then astonished once it became clear that their coach appeared not to think it worth the bother reprimanding them.

The drills became less and less productive as the day went on until, obviously exasperated, Jogi sent the entire squad on an extended run to ‘get it out of their system’ and then locked himself in his office. He was later observed inquiring if the hotel could get hold of a sensory deprivation tank for the evening, or possibly a wax effigy whichever of the criminals at FIFA were in charge of scheduling international fixtures.

That evening’s meal was quiet. Despite the running, a few people (including the captain, and the team's star striker) seemed to have had no appetite at all and never made it to the dining room. For those who did, the whispering, simpering and blushing not only continued but if anything got worse, only now it was broken up by eye-rolling and vomit noises from those not happy enough to be in on the joke.

The younger players had barely started their food when Mats excused himself from the table, looking shifty:

“Erm.. yeah, I’m gonna take off actually. I..er...need to wash my hair…”

“Oh yeah” Benni was a little pink in the cheeks (the running, it must have been because of the running, right?) “You were going to...er...recommend that shampoo?”

“Yeah, yeah, right, right. Er...catch you later guys!”

The two defenders vanished with indecent haste.

“And where are you two sneaking off to?” Shkodran asked a pair of guilty-looking goalkeepers.

Bernd was defensive:

“We’re not sneaking anywhere!”

“In depth penalty analysis.” Marc-Andre was all innocence. “It’s a goalie thing, You wouldn’t understand”

Shkodran buried his head in his hands, while Jerome looked, as the kids might say, 100% done.

“And what’s your pathetic cover story then?”

Joshua had clearly _tried_ to be subtle. He had at least waited five minutes since Julian’s exit before following (Julian W obviously, as D was amongst those who had never reappeared at dinner and B was with the bemused newbies).

“Erm, erm…” an exquisite shade of Bayern red, Joshua was rooted to the spot and gulping nervously.

“Oh come on! I thought you were supposed to be the clever one!” Mario (Gomez) eyed him incredulously “You’re going to have to come up with something. You couldn’t possibly do worse than Benni’s pathetic shampoo excuse!”

“I...I...think I’m going to have an early night?”

“But I was wrong! You’re not even trying! It’s barely past seven! Oh just go!” Mario waved him away with a sigh, “What’s the point?”

He made a quick survey of the more-than-half-empty dining room. All the most obvious couples were missing but he was in no mood for taking chances:

“Right, listen up!” The skeleton squad that remained turned their eyes on him “This is ridiculous. If there are any more, I suggest you leave now!”

There was no movement.

Yannick piped up “Er.. I’m sorry but I don’t know what’s going on”

Mario smiled with the kind of patronising look one might give a very young and rather slow child:

“You’re new”

“Er...yes?”

“And what day is it today?”

Yannick’s eyes widened in horrible realisation:

“Oh”

“Exactly! We are under siege from loved-up coupliness! It’s a sickness really, turns rational human beings into brainless zombies. It’s like ‘The Walking Dead’ sponsored by Hallmark!”

“A _little_ bit of an exaggeration perhaps?” Karim asked.

“Not at all! It spreads all too quickly and I’ve had quite enough of it for one day, so if any of you were planning any of that kind of thing this evening, I’d advise you to take it elsewhere.”

“I was gonna call my girlfriend later” Kevin mumbled, but sadly not out of Mario’s hearing.

“Aww. He has a girlfriend! How sweet! I didn’t know anyone still bothered with girls but, while normally we like to be very broad minded and inclusive, I’m still going to have to ask you to leave. Go play with Skype and whatever other electronic devices might be required, but just take it well away.”

“Who appointed you “Anti-Cupid”, Gomez?” Jerome looked less than impressed with Mario’s orders.

“No one! But someone has to take charge. With so many extra-curricular activities going on throughout the place, someone has to organise some fun for the rest of us!”

“And you think that’s you do you?”

Mario bowed and Jerome scowled:

“Well, thanks and everything but count me out! I was planning on hiding in my room with headphones on maximum to drown out any unwanted noises. I’ve seen what happens when you put yourself in charge and I want no part of it!”

“Suit yourself! And where do you think you’re going Jonas?”

Jonas looked at him blankly:

“To my room.” he said slowly “Alone. To read. A book. And then sleep. Actually sleep. Alone. Not that any of that is your business of course.”

“Oh! My! God! You! Are! So! Boring!!” Mario threw his arms up “Fine! Fine! Go! The rest of us will have a good time!”

Jerome and Jonas looked grateful to escape and some of the younger players watched them go with something like envy.

“What were you planning on doing exactly?” André looked slightly skeptical about proceedings, but had clearly decided that he had a better chance of escaping soul-crushing boredom by staying around.

“Plenty of time for that!” Mario looked ready to hold court “First things first, I suggest we retire to the bar and establish some ground rules.”

“Rules?” Karim looked confused “Why do we need rules?”

“Can’t have a club without rules!”

“What club?”

“The Anti-Valentine’s club!” Mario said this like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “We only get through this by sticking together!”

Shkodran narrowed his eyes suspiciously:

“Why do I get the feeling you’ve put far too much thought into this, Gomez?”

Mario ignored him:

“Ok! Rule 1…”

“The first rule of Anti-Valentine's club...” André mumbled “ ...is you do not talk about Anti-Valentine's club”

“Shhhh!” The apparently self-appointed club captain hissed at him.

“See?” André giggled. Mario’s grandstanding was at least amusing, if completely ridiculous.

“Rule 1” continued Mario solemnly “This evening there is strictly to be no romance, love, sex, or fluffiness of any kind. If any of you have designs on another member of the club then you can forget it!”

A couple of furtive glances were exchanged.

“Rule 2: There is to be no bitching about ex’s, whinging about past relationships or pining of any sort; and Rule 3: No one is to mention the club to any of “the coupled ones”. It's strictly “them” and “us”!”

“Yes, yes, fine, rules, whatever!” said Shkodran “What are we actually going to do?”

Here Mario’s ideas seemed to run out.

“I’ve got some horror movies downloaded” André piped up “Extra gory!”

“I was hoping for poker or something…?” suggested Serge.

“Or I could just buy up the bar’s supply of vodka and we’ll see how things go from there?” with a smirk and a flash of his credit card, Mario took back control.

...

In the end, most of Mario’s carefully thought out ‘rules’ seemed to dissolve in the free flowing (and completely contraband) alcohol.

“But I just don't get it” Yannick whined, his spinning head rested on the bar for safety, “How come that lot are all getting laid and we’re stuck here at ‘losers club’?”

“ ‘s’not for losers!” Mario’s protest might have been more convincing had it not been so slurred.

“Nah” André shook his head sagely (and then immediately regretted it) “You're still too young and too new that's all. Stay around long enough and you’ll be fine. Something in the air or the water or something. It’ll happen. Especially for you pretty ones, like Emre over there”

It was possible that André didn't mean to say that last bit out loud as he stopped talking very suddenly and flushed rather pink.

Fortunately Shkodran seemed not to notice and cut in:

“It's better off this way, trust me! Keeps things simpler and you're less likely to annoy Jogi. Just stay quiet, keep your distance - playing abroad helps. This way you get to be a supporting character. I mean, never the star of course…(he looked a little wistful for a moment) ...but we're supposed to be here to support each other. We're a team, and teams aren't all about being the star!”

“Unless you're Messi of course” said Karim “or CR7”

“Ok, you kinda just stepped all over my point there!” Shkodran sighed “Completely missed the point!”

“If you’re _really_ lucky” groaned André swigging liberally from his glass “you could end up becoming a professional third wheel! And believe me, that's all fun and games until your BFFs ditch you for the evening to go and …well frankly I don't want to speculate really!”

Julian (Brandt - obviously) sighed and put his head in his heads. Seeing this, Shkodran frowned and crooked his head to one side as though observing the young winger carefully.

“You know know your problem though, right?” he said

“My problem?” Julian looked confused.

“Yeah. It's your name!”

“Huh?”

“There are too many Julians!” Shkodran proclaimed his statement with confidence. “It's confusing. That's the problem!”

“I can't help my name!”

“Nah, he’s right” Mario nodded sadly. “It happened to me. I used to be the only Mario, the first Mario, the number one Mario, but then that gofer-faced upstart comes along!”

André attempt a half-hearted ‘Oi!’ in defence of his friend and then decided he didn't deserve it tonight.

“And I always get replaced” Mario complained bitterly to the bottom of his vodka glass “and then I have to watch while he's all happy and skipping after captain fantastic…”

“They're all so obvious about it though!” Julian joined the whinging “It's unbearable!”

“You know nothing Jon Snow” snapped Mario “Some of us survived Schweinski! This lot are mild in comparison!”

“And then there are all the ones pining and miserable because their other halves haven't been called up or are out injured!” said Shkodran.

“Argh!” cried André “Don't remind me!”

“If you ask me…” said Jonathan (and not only had no one asked him but nobody had really noticed he had been there the whole time) “If you ask me, Valentine’s Day is an entirely commercial holiday, fabricated by capitalism to exploit the gullible and emotionally compromised.”

They all blinked at him as though he had just landed from another planet.

“Er, right” said Shkodran. “And, I mean, I’d say ‘right on comrade’ if it weren't for the fact you were so keen for us all to observe ‘International Pie week’ on the last IB!”

There were various snorts of laughter, while Jonathan frowned and mumbled something about ‘the savoury pastry’ being ‘a phenomenon common across nearly all cultures and cuisines’.

...

It didn't take very much longer before some of the younger ones were dropping like flies.

Julian had a semi-conscious Yannick draped over his shoulders:

“I’m going to take him up to our room”

Mario narrowed his eyes:

“Remember the rules! You better be coming straight back!”

The pair were practically out of the door by the time Mario had managed to get his words out.

“I have to make sure he's ok!” called Julian over his shoulder as he disappeared.

“Hmm that sounds like a good idea” André mumbled “I’m going to bed. This party is a bust!”

“This whole day has been a bust!” Shkodran moved to follow.

“Nah, don't go guys!” Mario sounded desperate “It’s not even half ten! The evening’s just getting going! Look, look! Here's Toni!”

“What's going on guys?” Toni looked unmoved to discover several of his teammates in an advance state of intoxication.

“Depressingly little!” replied André “‘Night guys! And God I hope things are more bearable tomorrow!”

The others took this as their cue to leave, until only a very drunk Mario and an impeccably sober Toni remained.

“Soooo” Mario smirked, his own rules long forgotten “Looks like it's just you and me! How about it Kroos?”

The wink was supposed to be seductive but ended up looking as though he had something in his eye.

Toni barely blinked:

“I seem to remember you tried this last year, Gomez”

“Yeah, but you might have changed your mind!”

“Er, no.”

“Fair enough”

“You might want to drink some water. Jogi will not be impressed if you have a stinking hangover tomorrow” and with that he turned and disappeared, leaving Mario alone at the bar.

“I fucking hate Valentine's Day”

...

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Murphy's Law for the romantically inclined](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9686612) by [Khalehla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khalehla/pseuds/Khalehla)




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